So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
