Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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