Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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