I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
