I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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