So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Who died my cat blue again?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
