yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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