Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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