I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
