I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
