Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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