Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
