so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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