I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
