Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
