I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
