Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
