capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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