Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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