Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
