If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
