I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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