He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
