So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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