i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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