i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
