Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
