So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
