Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
