We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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