I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
