Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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