Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
