You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
