Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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