Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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