roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
