Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize