did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You dont lie about slip and slides
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
