I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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