the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
