Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
