apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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