I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
