I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just gargled with NyQuil
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
