Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
