My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
