don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
