The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
