remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
