Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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