is your mom at the bar?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
